They said what??

A reprint of my Jan. 7 Slapshots column from the Woodford Sun

For the most part, I thoroughly enjoyed my New Year’s Day trip to football Nirvana.

I managed to spend the bulk of the day firmly planted on the couch. It all started at 11 a.m. with the Outback Bowl and continued past midnight as I celebrated the Gators’ 54-24 thumping of the Cincinnati Bearcats. And with a little channel surfing, I also managed to catch parts of the NHL Outdoor Classic between the Boston Bruins and the Philadelphia Flyers.

Yeah, hockey in Fenway Park was pretty cool.

I followed up on Saturday watching my USF Bulls win the meaningless International Bowl over Northern Illinois and then caught the UK-U of L basketball game.

But with all of that time absorbed in sports, there was bound to be a downside. And no, I do not consider eating an entire bag of Tostitos and a container of salsa in one afternoon a low point.

No, that involved some of the TV commentators.

Is it just me, or do some of these guys need to learn the value of silence?

I think the low point came during the Kentucky-Louisville game when Clark Kellogg repeatedly used the word “spurtability.” Really Clark? On network TV?

And other announcers managed to make themselves sound like idiots using real live words – from the English language.

So I thought it would be fun to start the year by sharing some of the more asinine comments out of the mouths’ of TV analysts.

“Neither one of these defenses want to give up the big play.”

As if somewhere a defensive coordinator is sitting in his darkened office scheming ways to give up the big play - hopefully leading to points.

“That is just a pure football player.”

As opposed to all of the diluted football players on the field? Or perhaps some hybrid players.

“The game’s changed a little, you’ve got to make plays.”

I vaguely remember football back in the early ’70s. They didn’t have to make plays back in those days. Refs arbitrarily awarded points.

“I think Jimbo (Jimbo Fisher, offensive coordinator for Florida State) would love to make first downs.”

After watching the Seminoles play the Gators a few weeks ago, I could debate that notion.

“And Florida State makes this a football game.”

I’m not sure what they were playing before. Perhaps badminton?

“They each have a touchdown, so they both know how to get into the end zone”

If they need help, they can always purchase one of those fancy GPS contraptions.

“Not quite as straight, but they all count if they go through the uprights.”

Woohoo! Thank you obvious man!

And finally, my personal favorite…

“Good feet. He needs those feet.”

I guess I won’t ask to borrow them then.

Happy New Year, sports fans.

Quick Shots
University of Kentucky football coach Rich Brooks announced his retirement on Monday, Jan. 4. He said that he felt like it was just time to step aside.

“This is the end of the road of the old man’s coaching career,” Brooks said.

Some inside sources say that frustration with the university partly drove his decision – frustration stemming from UK’s reluctance to pour money into the football program, particularly facilities and assistant coaches salaries. Brooks is too classy to come out and blast the program, but the fact that he mentioned facilities upgrades on his laundry list of things he’d like to see Kentucky do in the future makes me wonder if there isn’t some truth to the rumors. Basketball will always reign as king in Kentucky. Perhaps Brooks got tired of playing in the backup band.

Analysts have raised a number of valid questions regarding Tim Tebow’s future as an NFL quarterback. It was almost as if he set out to erase those question marks in the Sugar Bowl. The Gator senior completed 31 of 35 passes for 482 yards and three touchdowns. Some may suspect his throwing mechanics. They may question his ability to read pro defenses. But I sure wouldn’t bet against the heart and desire of this kid.

Broadcasters praised UK big-man DeMarcus Cousins for maintaining his cool despite the intensity of the Kentucky-Louisville game. After watching several replays of his elbow to the head of Jared Swopshire, I’d hate to see what would have happened if he HAD lost his cool.

Quote of the Week
“I’d like to start like I always do with the injury report. I’m walking and well, so that’s the injury report.” –Former University of Kentucky football coach Rich Brooks opening up the press conference announcing his retirement.

Puck to the Head
This week’s pucks fly at the heads of the four University of Tennessee basketball players for getting themselves arrested after a traffic stop in Knoxville. Tyler Smith, Melvin Goins, Brian Williams and Cameron Tatum were arrested after police say they found a handgun with an altered serial number, marijuana and an open container of alcohol in the car. Police initially pulled the car over for speeding. Mixing guns, alcohol and drugs. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea. * Insert strains of Rocky Top here *